Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Seriously Warped Mind of One Pregnant Lady

To some people...or a lot of people if I'm being honest are going to find this post completely insane.  I recognize that, but I feel like I need to write this out to get it out of my head.  And I'm just being honest here, so don't be too hard on me, k?

When I was pregnant with Trent, I pretty much (most of the time) ate what I wanted.  I exercised sporadically and really let loose.  My doctor's appointments were always picture perfect, so I felt like I did okay.  I honestly don't really know how much I gained because I stopped getting on the scale at the end.  Horrible?  Probably.  But I really didn't want to know.  Let's just say it was probably 40-45 pounds.  Result?  I delivered an 8 1/2 pound baby and lost all but 10 pounds before getting pregnant again.

Eek.  40+ pounds heavier the day we had Trent.

I vowed I would do better with this pregnancy - especially given I am starting out a little heavier.  I don't want to take the picture above and ADD 10 pounds to it.  No thank you.

And I feel like I am doing better.  I am consistently exercising an average of 3 times a week, and doing hard stuff too - body pump and body combat and still running.  I feel great!  During the week I eat healthy.  I do tend to slide on the weekend, but hey, there has to be a little fun in knowing you're going to gain weight anyway.

But then the craziness creeps in.  I weigh myself daily and get so mad at how quickly the numbers are climbing.  I constantly war with myself over not caring as long as I have a healthy baby.  And then I think of the above picture.  Or this one...

Due date w/ Trent...picture above is 3 days later.  I am GINORMOUS.

I don't want to lose all but another 10 pounds because then I'm 20 pounds over my pre-children weight.  But that da*n scale keeps climbing.

I don't want to stress over it either because the end goal is to have a healthy baby.  And I KNOW that.  I swear I do.  I am so lucky and thankful to be pregnant when I have so many friends who have in the past (or currently) struggled to get pregnant.

I have always compared myself to my sister.  My parents NEVER did.  But I always do.  And she always gains less and has smaller babies.  Why does that bother me?  Don't know...but it does.

My mind is a constant battle of beating myself up and then telling myself to relax.

See?  I'm totally warped.  I had really hoped to end at roughly the same spot I ended with Trent, essentially gaining a more normal 30-35 pounds...but that is seeming a harder and harder task to accomplish.  And I just constantly spin numbers in my head of 'Well, if I am at this now and am really, really good, I can hopefully keep my gain to XX by Halloween, and then YY by Thanksgiving.'  Who does that?

I'm hoping that by typing this all out, I can let go of some of it.  And just focus on what I know should be my goal - eat as best as I can (and enjoy a little bit of the weight gain) and keep exercising so I can have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Is anyone else this crazy?


the blogivers said...

I think your concerns and struggles are very, very normal. Sucks that as girls we have to worry about crap like that, especially during pregnancy when we should just worry about being healthy, but I think everyone does it. Sounds like you are taking really good care if yourself, so hopefully you will be happy with your numbers in the end (that or just not care :)

Hanna said...

What really disgusts me are the women who only gain weight in their bellies and make it back into their pre-maternity pants one to two weeks after having their babies. Really?! It's so frustrating. I, too, find that I'm about 10 pounds heavier now than before Alexandra. I keep telling myself I'm going to lose the weight, but it's always a struggle as to when that's going to happen... For what it's worth, I think you look great! Stay positive knowing that you're doing what you're doing. :-)

plauschinat said...

I Have struggled with the same issues. I think it is very hard (impossible for me) to watch the numbers creep up and up and not worry. I find that I have to eat way better when I'm pregnant (more protein/veg, less carbs) than when I'm not to keep the weight from ballooning too fast....I wish I could be one of those women who could eat without worry while pregnant.

Anonymous said...

I am probably the LAST person you want posting about weight gain...but I did want to add that I gained an extra 10 lbs with Abigail (total of 35) than I did with Wyatt (25lbs). I honestly don't know how I did as she was a summer baby, I was chasing after a toddler all day and I was still puking daily at 25 weeks (girls are so much more hassle, even in the womb!!)

BUT, I think it is normal to gain more the second time, so I will be sending you calming thoughts and prayers you can let this go. Love you friend!

Kelly said...

Hey honey. Sorry I am late to this post but I only have time to read blogs on the weekends.

So here we go: I think your feelings are totally normal. I think most pregnant women struggle with the weight gain concept. I don't think you're alone. If I am being honest it scares me and I am not even pregnant! But I can honestly 100% say that even being 10+ pounds over your pre-pregnancy weight when you got pregnant this time around I thought you looked AMAZING! Seriously Allena! I would tell you. You looked GREAT!

Second, I know you have always compared yourself to Patty. Patty is a beautiful woman. You know I love her! But Allena, you are beautiful too! You are just as smart, just as pretty, just as good as a mom as Patty. You are both amazing women and I feel really lucky to know you both. But you have never given yourself enough credit. Ever. I wish I could make you see that you and Patty are equals. :)

Hang in there. I am sure all your appointments will be fine and even if you gain more weight than you want to I know a really good personal trainer who would be willing to help you out. And lucky for you that personal trainer comes with a built in baby sitter who would love to watch the kiddos while you worked out. :)