Anxiety Spiral

Well. We got Gus and sh*t hit the fan. I started having anxiety pretty quickly after bringing Gus home, and I didn't understand why. Yes, it's stressful to have a puppy, and the mornings were especially stressful trying to watch him {so he wouldn't go to the bathroom in the house or eat something he wasn't supposed to} while getting the kids ready for the day, but overall Gus has been an easy pup. He quickly adjusted to his crate and has been sleeping/staying in his crate for 8 hours/night in the office since week 2. He eats great and is almost accident free. 

I felt like a giant loser having anxiety over a dog. I partially blamed it on the amount of reading/watching videos I did about bringing a dog home and was trying to do ALL THE THINGS. Brent kept saying 'it's just a dog, it'll be fine'. But I kept getting worse. I called Kristen one day hysterically crying and cried a lot. It culminated in me crying for hours on Brent's birthday and reminded me SO MUCH of how I felt having post-partum anxiety. I ended up having to take Xanax and scheduled an appointment with my doctor for last week. I also had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist for last week as well.

My doctor said basically I have PTSD from post-partum and my nervous system can't tell the difference between bringing a baby home and a dog - it's a living thing I have to take care of, and it triggered an anxiety response. I talked to her about taking an SSRI again {I took Zoloft after both Trent and Paige} which I didn't want to do but was willing to if she thought it was warranted. Thankfully she did not think I needed to be on one! She prescribed Xanax to use in emergencies and also a blood pressure medicine that does a similar thing as Xanax without the side effects. Luckily, so far, I haven't needed to take either. She also wanted me to do EMDR therapy to process my post-partum trauma and hopefully break that anxiety cycle. And what do you know - my therapist just got trained in EMDR! So I was able to text her after meeting with my doctor so she was prepared for EMDR for our appointment. I'm also taking a bunch of supplements {a lot of the ones I took after Drew plus another my doctor recommended} that focus on stress/worry/anxiety.

We did our first EMDR session on Friday, and it was super helpful! We worked on creating a safe place in my mind to go when I'm feeling anxious and focusing on my 5 senses for that place. I chose my parents' porch swing. Luckily, every day since Brent's birthday weekend has felt better and better. I was nervous today about teaching my class {I didn't teach last week I was feeling so bad}, and it felt really good and today has been the best day so far since bringing Gus home.

We still have some work to do on our new normal - summer routine with the kids home plus having a dog - but I feel much better about being able to do so! I'm no longer thinking 'WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?' on a regular basis ha! I already love Gus, the kids are over the moon, and I think we're going to have years of fun with him!

Rebirth

Nothing like the sight of my favorite flower blooming to remind me that spring is right around the corner! Spring is such a magical time with everything that was dormant coming back to life - our yard is perking up, our plants are blooming, THE BLUEBONNETS ARE HERE, the days are getting longer, we'll soon see baby deer in the neighborhood... 

So I'm going to focus on all that new life and remind myself that this too shall pass and soon I will feel the rebirth of my happiness and confidence as a mother.

PP Update

I've been taking Zoloft for just over 2 weeks. I would say I am definitely better than I was when I started but I'm not where I want to be yet. The mornings are still really tough with my anxiety very high. A lot of times I wake up between 5:00 and 6:00 and lay there feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Not really a great way to start out each day! The side effects are also no fun, but I'm powering through them, and they're starting to lessen. I actually have more of them this time around than when I took Zoloft with Trent which I find interesting. Although I did start out on a higher dose this time, so that might explain it?? I just keep reminding myself that I've done this twice before and know it's for a limited time and that I'll never have to do it again. Thinking about having another baby makes me ill, ha! I'm trying not to wish away Paige's newborn time because it really is so special to watch her discover the world, but I also want to feel like myself again. It's hard to be scared of everything, and that's what the anxiety does to me - it makes me scared all the time - scared to be alone with the kids, scared to go places, scared of bad naps, etc. I have to remember that postpartum is an illness, so I can't beat myself up for how I feel. That's tough. But I know I'll get through and come out stronger...eventually!

Well Sh*t

I started Zoloft on Monday. If I could scream expletives through the laptop to express the depth of my feelings about this, I would.

What started as a bad week turned into 2. It turned into anxiety that wouldn't stop. It turned into crying jags. It turned into loneliness. It turned into being afraid to be with the kids alone because how can I parent all 3 {even though I have done it alone several times}. It turned into not being able to eat - nausea and gagging with everything I tried to eat which led into worry about my milk supply. It turned into being afraid to be away from home. It turned into stressing about Paige's naps. It turned into not feeling connected to my husband or children. It turned into feeling sad. It turned into agony.

Saturday my in-laws kept the big kids and Brent played golf. I sat in our living room holding a sleeping Paige just crying and crying. I knew it was time to ask for help. Sunday morning the anxiety was so bad I could barely stand it. I talked to my mother-in-law and just bawled. Guys, I don't know how I got so lucky to have that woman in my life, but I will never be able to repay her. She immediately said she could come over every day and help. I mean seriously - how amazing is she? When I suffered from PPA with Trent, she took 2 weeks off of work and came over every day and helped me get comfortable going places with Trent and just feeling good in my skin. Between her and my mom, I've  got almost daily company. Those women are just 2 of the biggest blessings in my life.

Monday I called my OB and went in to talk to Liane {the midwife who delivered Drew}, and even though I wasn't crazy about how Zoloft made me feel {the side effects made me groggy and kind of numb}, it has the safest profile for breastfeeding, so that's what we decided to do. I started the medicine immediately.

With Trent, it took a good 2+ weeks to start feeling better. I'm hoping that since I've already taken Zoloft before I'll have a better reaction this time and start feeling better faster. I'm trying to get outside more {I wasn't doing that enough honestly}, trying to not be alone as little as possible, and just praying for fast relief.

So that's the latest with me. A 3-time winner of the postpartum anxiety lottery. Luckily, this is the last time we will ever have to worry about this!

Radio Silence

Sorry for disappearing last week. To be totally honest, it wasn't a good week. I just love how I crowed after my 6 week postpartum appointment that I was doing so good. And then life decided I needed a good slap back to reality.

There wasn't anything that happened. I think it's a combination of sleep deprivation and adjusting to having 3 children. I tend to second guess myself a lot when I have a newborn and struggle to find the new normal. Even though I felt I had been doing really good, last week I just felt really anxious and it bubbled over into lots of crying jags. I really don't know how people who have anxiety regularly stand it because what I get with postpartum is just awful.

Luckily, Sunday and Monday were really good days. I don't think I'm totally out of the woods, but I am going to celebrate every day that is good and just focus on knowing that luckily I know the anxiety will eventually go away completely. I don't think I have PPA again, but I am going to continue to watch my feelings, take my supplements, and hope for the best! I am so blessed that Brent, my parents, my in-laws, and my sister are all so fabulous to give me the extra attention and support I need! 

I guess if I have to have anxiety, these stinkers are worth it!

6 Week Postpartum Check-up

I had my 6 week postpartum checkup yesterday. Long story short, I am doing great! But I wanted to document a few things about my appointment.

First, physically my doctor said I am totally good. I was confident I was, but it's always nice to have an exam and get the same feedback. Paige's labor might have been the longest, but her delivery was the quickest, so I guess this is the upside!

Second, I wanted to talk to her about my emotional state. I filled out a survey when I got there related to postpartum, and my answers seemed to line up with being good. And I feel good. Not great but good, so I felt pretty good that she was going to have good thoughts for me too. Basically what I wanted to know was what her opinion was on my likelihood of postpartum anxiety developing. I know it can happen any time during the first year, BUT my history with Trent and Drew was it starting pretty quickly. With Trent, I was taking Zoloft by 5 weeks, and with Drew, by 6 weeks I was contacting a psychologist. So it seems like if I feel good with Paige and my history is it coming on early, then maybe I am not going to develop it this time? And Dr. Campaigne agreed! She said she didn't want me to think that my expectation was that it wouldn't happen in case it does come on, but she said she thinks I look and sound good. We also talked about the difference between 'coping' and 'winning' at life. Right now I don't think I'm 'winning' at life, but life is definitely not 'winning' over me. It is more like I'm 'coping' with it. And she said up until recently she was in the same boat {she has a 2 year old and a 4 month old} and now she feels like she's 'winning'. Ha. It was a great analogy and goes along with me feeling good but not great. But given my history, I think that in itself is great! Did any of that make sense??

And third, everyone thought Paige was adorable. #duh

Asking for Help

I think one of the things that is hard for women to do is to ask for help. We constantly think we 'should' be able to handle whatever challenge we are facing. Social media doesn't help because the people we see on there are presenting a lot of times this image that they CAN handle it all {usually falsely presented as such}, so we must be failing because we can't. This is definitely something I have struggled with in my post-partum journey. I have friends who seem to transition to life with a newborn easily and don't have all the fears that seem to consume me. So one of the things I wanted to make sure and do this time around was to not be afraid to ask for help and be honest about my feelings. So what if other friends don't have this challenge or that struggle?  If I am struggling, struggling in silence doesn't hurt anyone but me!

AND I'VE BEEN DOING IT!

One of the things that was hard for me at first was taking the big kids to school. Brent and I worked to make sure I have as much done as possible the night before - clothes are picked out, lunches are made, vitamins laid out, etc. But I would wake up and instantly be anxious and it would last until way after I had dropped the big 2 off. So my mother-in-law volunteered to come and take the kids for a while. Normally I would have said no, but I knew it could help, so I said yes. So she drove 35 minutes in the opposite direction of her job to take my kids to school. And it helped release some anxiety until I felt I could handle it better. And now we're doing mostly good in the morning and I have minimal anxiety getting everyone ready!

Then we've had several bouts of sickness {terrible timing to have a newborn!}, and I was freaking out that Paige would get sick. So I called my mom and asked if some of us could come spend the night to try and keep Paige well. And of course she said yes. At first I felt guilty abandoning Drew when normally I would take care of her. And then I felt guilty for burdening my mom. {But she is quick to remind me it's her job to take care of me. And yes, I know I am so blessed by these 2 women.} And being able to ask her for that help and go over there while Drew's fever broke relieved a lot of stress and anxiety.

Those are just 2 examples of when I've reached out for help. But truly both of those situations made such a difference for me and my emotional state. I write this post to be candid about my journey but also to be raw and hope that if anyone is out there struggling a little, they won't feel so bad asking for or accepting help. There are so many people who are willing to help, and I am finally not afraid to ask for it!

My Pre Post-Partum Appointment

I had an appointment last week with a local therapist, Kelly Boyd, who specializes in issues for women related to all areas of reproductive health {fertility issues, miscarriage, post-partum, infant loss, menopause}. I have so many words to describe the appointment: amazing, uplifting, validating, encouraging, inspiring... And now I'm going to bore you share with you the details!

First off, Kelly GOT IT. When she told me her story, I started crying. Her own journey involved post-partum {plus so much more!}, and while it's a terrible 'club' to be apart of, it definitely provides a sense of solidarity, and I think knowing the person you are talking to has been through that same hell helps so much.

She also gave me so much valuable information - some of it validated what I did with Drew, and some was new information. While I am hopeful I won't have post-partum again {especially since MTHFR is linked to post-partum, and I am treating my mutations}, it's nice to have more tools in my belt to fight this nasty beast. One of the things I wanted to discuss with her was all the supplements I took with Drew. My plan was to take them again, but I wanted to know when I should start. Kelly said it depended on me - did I want to 'wait and see' if I would have post-partum again or if I wanted to be really aggressive. Um, for me that was a no brainer - REALLY AGGRESSIVE! I would rather take supplements I didn't need than get into that post-partum hole and have to dig out of it. So her suggestion was that I have all my supplements at the hospital and pop out a baby and pop in some pills. {grin}

We also talked about me needing:
* to eat every 2-3 hours. When your blood sugar drops and your body is full of oxytocin, your hormones skyrocket. If you eat {healthy and filling food} on a regular basis, you can keep your adrenaline from surging. Kelly also told me that hormones are not only tied to breastfeeding but to changes in breastfeeding - so when Smoochie drops a feeding it will cause a change in hormones which will cause a change in mood. Good information to have!
* to get at least one 3-4 hour sleep cycle/day. The psychiatrist I saw with Trent had me do this as well - when we got Trent into an earlier bedtime of going to bed at 8:00 pm, I would read for a bit and have lights out by 8:30. That way when he woke up between 12 - 1 am, I had gotten a good REM cycle. She said if once or twice a week I could let go {hahahaha} and have someone else give the baby a bottle, this would be huge too. I'm not sure this is possible for me honestly. We'll talk about what she said about my need for control soon. {grin}
* to get out of the house every day - once with the baby and once without. It could be something as simple as walking to the mailbox, but Kelly stressed how important it was to get out of the 4 walls of my house.
* to have self-care {doing something for myself} and couple time {even if it's a date-night in or 10 minutes of cuddling}.
* to not be alone. We talked a lot about how much company helped me when I was battling post-partum with Trent and Drew. My mother-in-law took 2 weeks off of work when I had Trent and came over every day. With Drew, I spent 1 day at my in-laws and 1 at my parents every week. Kelly suggested that I get commitments from family and friends and pretty much create a 'care calendar' of keeping me company.

We also talked about a technique she calls HALT. If and when I feel those moments of anxiety, I need to 'halt' ask myself the following questions:
H - am I HUNGRY?
A - am I ANGRY?
L - am I LONELY?
T - am I TIRED?

Once I can identify the underlying emotion I now have the tools to fight it. If I'm hungry, eat! If I'm lonely, go visit someone!

We also talked about my need for perfection and control. I don't think this is an issue I have in my 'normal' life {Brent, would you agree?}, but with a new baby I have a hard time finding that balance and that new normal - I want to give ALL of myself to each kid, and that's not possible. I need to be the one to care for them and feed and be there. And that just is too much for anyone - I need help, I need to take care of myself, I need to get away {even if it's for 30 minutes or an hour}, so I just need to try and remind myself that a new normal will arise and we will find balance. 

I also need to be vocal with Brent about what he can do to help. He has talked to me in the past about how helpless post-partum makes him feel because it's hard for him to help me. Kelly wants to meet with both of us and formulate a plan for ways Brent can help - it will make him feel less helpless because it will hopefully...help!

One of the last things Kelly talked about was that we currently have a family wheel that is spinning away every day. And we're about to add a new person into our family wheel. And just like dropping a pebble in water, it will cause ripples. But we'll get that wheel righted! That was a good analogy to focus on for me.

So we had a really great appointment, and I really feel like I am even more prepared for this baby. I really don't want to go through post-partum again, but I feel more ready to tackle it. Fingers crossed!

Post Post-Partum

I had something totally different in mind to blog about today...but life has a way of making a post necessary sometimes, and this is one of those posts.

I taught an oils class tonight, and on the way there a song starting playing from my phone playlist, Lady Antebellum's Downtown. I absolutely love and hate that song at the same time. It is such a fun catchy song, but it takes me back to the dark days of post-partum after Drew was born. I can remember bathing her in her little whale tub, and her having a blast in the water while playing recent downloads from my phone, and this being one of them. And hearing that song tonight...ugh...it takes me back to how I felt then. And then it makes me mad that the first few months of both of my kids' lives is tainted. Luckily, it has worn off almost 100% from Trent, and it's a lot better from Drew. But it still just sucks that I {or anyone} had to deal with that. I can't really enjoy any of the good things during the newborn phase.

And then during the class, several of the girls and I were commiserating about some post-partum issues {because essential oils can totally help}. And it made me mad all over again. I truly despise those first few months because I am SO not right emotionally. It hurts to go through it, and it hurts to think about it. Don't get me wrong, I would {and want to} do it all over again, but man, I don't WANT to do that part of it again.

I really didn't have a point to this post, I just needed to get these yucky thoughts out of my head. Overall, I am beyond blessed in my life, so I don't intend to complain too much, but I just really, really wish I didn't have to deal with that ever, and I hope no one else I know ever does too.

Postpartum Update

I've had a few questions about how I'm doing, so I thought I'd do a little update.

I would say most days I feel GOOD. That is a pretty significant improvement over just a few short weeks ago. Probably 50-75% of the time I have an undercurrent of anxiety running through me (constant butterflies in my stomach) which I wouldn't consider good BUT...it isn't suffocating me anymore. I don't really know how to describe the change in the way it feels - it's just less intense. A few weeks ago the anxiety was causing me to constantly cry. I was really shaky feeling all the time too and super nervous. Now it's just an annoying feeling. While I wish it would go away totally (and it will...patience...) this is SO much better! I'm excited for when I can say I feel GREAT, and I know I'll get there!

What I'm doing:

• All my supplements...still going strong on those.
• Therapy...going twice a month instead of every week. Last week was probably my best session, I feel like I'm still on a high from what we discussed. Again, it's hard to explain but my therapist just gets it.
• Prayer/self-affirmation...I made a bunch of 'flash cards' for myself with positive things/scripture that help. I just read them over and over again and also have the 'Daily Affirm' app (get it, so good!) and am trying to really read more of the Bible/pray.
• Earthing...ever heard of it? Essentially, a theory that connecting yourself to the earth for a little bit of time is good for your body and soul.
• Exercise! I go to Stroller Strides 2-3X week and want to start going on walks on the other days.
• Good old fashioned sunshine...I am going outside more and more with Drew and soaking up some Vitamin D.

So there you have it. I'll do just about anything to feel better faster, so if you have any suggestions...send 'em my way!

One Week Later

A week ago today I walked into Peoples Pharmacy sobbing {talk about mortifying}. I couldn't get my anxiety to stop. I made employees cry I was so emotional and upset. I left after spending $140 on supplements hopeful that, once again, Kaya would be able to work her magic.

One week later, I feel SO much better. Between my lovely goat placenta and my 'homework' from therapy, I hope we have turned a corner. 

I'm sure I'll still have some dark days and maybe even weeks. After all, I'm still scared to have the kids by myself for really long periods of time {grin}. It's hard not to beat myself up with all the 'shoulds' I think, but I'm trying not to. I know everyone is different and when it comes to parenting 'should' shouldn't (haha) be in the vocabulary, but it's hard for me... I constantly think everyone does it better than me or handles the transition easier than me.

All I know is I love my kids, am beyond thankful for my husband and family, and can't get enough goat placenta!

Checking In

Well, friends, I'm not admitting defeat, but I am admitting that things aren't great right now. I feel like my post-partum is getting worse. Brent swears that I'm doing great, and he thinks I'm better, but I don't feel it. I feel anxious constantly and cry many, many times a day. I'm not really sure therapy is helping... I went to see Kaya {homeopath} today, and she added numerous supplements to my daily regimen.

Yummy!

What we've added? Iron, duanewood reishi, GABA...and goat placenta. I'll give you a second to process that. {grin} My placenta pills are out, which I think, in a weird way, proves they worked, so yippee for all these things. I joked with Kaya that I wished there was a market for me to buy other people's placentas, but instead...goat placenta!

What I now take every day...I look like a druggie!

I keep telling myself I have nothing to be sad or anxious about. Trent is the best he's been in almost a year, Drew is thriving and wonderful {she's even sleeping through the night some}, my husband is SO supportive, I still have lots of time at home to enjoy with my baby girl, we have so much family nearby to help...but it doesn't matter. I just can't shake these feelings. It makes me so angry, and I just feel so defeated that, once again, I'm the weirdo that can't adjust to motherhood. I love my children more than life itself, and I so thankful for them, but I can't wait for these feelings to go away so I can ENJOY them.

Dr. Appt #2 of the Week

Today was another appointment for the Gurley gurls. In the last 2 weeks, we've had 4 doctor's appointments - I'm worn out! 

Today I started therapy for post-partum issues. Ugh. I'm so irritated/upset/disappointed/ frustrated/angry to be here again. Everyone in my life {and I} talk about how much better I am this time around. It's only a small consolation because I so don't want to be here again at all. 

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being anxious. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out.

I keep trying to remember we are only 7 weeks in. Drew is still a newborn, and no one snaps their fingers and adjusts to a change like this easily. It's just hard trying to figure out how to be Drew's mom and Trent's mom and Brent's wife and Allena.

So anyway...therapy. 

I would say it was a good appointment. Of course I cried a lot. And I've cried on and off all afternoon. My therapist said it was a good problem to have - to care too much about your children. So there is that. {grin} I have some homework for the next week, and she says she has an arsenal of things we can try, and she is optimistic. She said she's proud of me for seeking treatment this early, and that a lot of moms don't come in until 10 or 11 months. So there is that. {grin}

I will keep you guys posted as I go through this journey...again. Ugh.

Updates Galore

BP3 - My newest nephew has a name. 

Mayer David

Drew's Weight - We had a check-up yesterday for Drew's weight. She gained 8 ounces in 12 days which is on the light side but normal. She did drop another percentile category, but her doctor doesn't seem concerned. I wasn't ever really concerned. I did talk with 2 lactation consultants and they agreed with me that she was gaining just fine for an exclusively breastfed baby.

The doc does think Drew and I have thrush. Boo. I swear - between reflux, weight gain issues and this...we are tackling all the BF issues! I had no problems with Trent. It seems to be a pretty mild case, so we're starting with a pretty mild treatment. If you come to my house though and see me topless, you'll know why. {grin}

6 Week Postpartum - I had my 6 week OB follow-up this week as well. Everything seems to be going good in the physical recovery; I'd say I'm recovered (whoo hoo). Emotional is a little less peachy keen. I am still confident I am 9,020,102 times better than I was with Trent, but I'm still toying with the idea of talking to someone. I have good days and bad days and, right now, the good days greatly outweigh the bad, but it'd be nice to be proactive and keep the bad days to a minimum. My OB (who is wonderful, I cannot say enough amazing things about my practice) gave me the name of a woman who specializes in post-partum, so we'll see if I give her a call.

I had every intention of taking a picture of both kids all looking cute for Valentine's Day. It didn't happen. I am just proud that I got 20 gifts together for his class, presents for his teachers, presents for each of my kiddos and a present for my husband.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

How I'm Doing...

Drew is almost 3 weeks old and a joy. I am amazed at how easy just having a newborn is {during the day} when you are used to a toddler. She is sleeping good during the day {on me of course} and pretty good at night. Minimal day-night confusion and nursing 2-3 times/night - AH-mazing. I did put her in her room last week which was SUPER  hard for me. But she sleeps in a rock-and-play sleeper by the door which is 3 feet from our door - ha.

Anyway, back to me... I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but so far I am doing good. Really good.

My happy pills

I don't know if it's already having done this before, the preparation I did before Drew's birth, the vitamins I've been taking for a year, my placenta, or a combination of it all..but I am in a good place. 

Don't get me wrong, I have had my moments of crying for irrational reasons {see moving Drew to her room above...separate post about that later}, but Brent has been so amazing at helping me talk through what I'm feeling and getting it out.

Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm hopeful that if I feel like this after 3 weeks, I'm out of the woods. I guess time will tell... Prayers are still welcome and appreciated. {grin}

Hard to not be happy with her as my constant companion!

The Day I Fought the Law

Tomorrow I am going to court. I've got my paperwork notarized and all my motions prepared. No, I didn't get a ticket. I'm not suing anyone.

I am going to claim my placenta!

***Pause for you to read that again.***

Okay, you with me?

I have blogged pretty openly after having Trent about suffering from postpartum anxiety. That was a really awful period. Was I over-the-moon about having a wonderful new addition to my life? Duh. Was I also beyond paranoid that something would happen to him to the point where I couldn't sleep and was barely functional? Yes. 

In one word - it SUCKED.

Before getting pregnant with Baby Gurl, I randomly started hearing about placenta encapsulation. I didn't really pay much attention to it, until I read this post by an amazing hippie mom who I am happy to say is now a bloggy friend. After reading that post, it clicked. I knew I NEEDED to do this whenever Brent and I had another baby. 

To say I was nervous to tell Brent was an understatement. He might go along with most of my hippie stuff, but I was worried this would be too much for him given I would EAT my placenta. I had my whole argument prepared. I asked my psychiatrist, my old OB, and my homeopath. All agreed it couldn't hurt. I ended up chickening out and sending Brent a link to the website saying I wanted to do that.  His response? 'Whatever you think will help.' When I asked him about it, he said he remembered that time too and anything that might help he was all for. That goes to show you A) I have an awesome husband and B) that time really sucked for everyone.

To quickly list the benefits:
-Balance your system
-Replenish depleted iron
-Give you more energy
-Lessen bleeding
-Increase milk production
-Help you have a happier postpartum period

But...this has not been an easy process. Whether I agree with it or not {and I don't}, the law states that once the placenta (really any organ) leaves your body, it becomes medical waste. It isn't yours anymore. So even though a hospital just throws it away, I have to go to court to get permission from the state to be able to take home THE ORGAN MY BODY CREATED!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you can't tell, this irks me to no end. {If Brent had relented on my plea to have Baby Gurl in a birth center, this wouldn't be an issue.}

Luckily, living in Austin {hippie central}, I was easily able to find an encapsulation specialist through Placenta Benefits. The woman who is encapsulating my placenta has been so helpful. She had all the forms I needed and step-by-step instructions for how to go about the court order process.

So tomorrow, I hit up the Travis County Courthouse and ask them to kindly give me back my placenta. Oh, and I give them $240 too. {Boo on that.}

Wish me luck!

Pregnancy Fears 2.0

When I was pregnant with Trent, I was too naive to know I should be fearful.

Other than my fear of SIDS, I had no real concerns about having a baby and, you know, raising him. Little did I know! Not only is post-partum a b!tch, but raising a kid is hard work, haha.

This time around, I am definitely more aware of what it means to have a baby. Obviously I am not concerned enough to not have another one {and hopefully another one after that}, but it doesn't mean I don't have any fears this time. {grin}

1 - A repeat of post-partum. I am taking a ton of vitamins and have other awesome stuff planned {to blog about soon} to help prevent/deter post-partum, but I still worry about it rearing its ugly head again. I have all my family on high alert that they may spend the month of January babysitting ME!

2 - Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding with Trent was so easy. I don't say that to rub it in on others for whom it wasn't easy. But for us? It just worked. Sure, it hurt at first, but we never had trouble with Trent's latch (although given his open bite, it explains a lot now about why he would nurse for FOREVER), I never had supply issues, pumping when I went back to work was easy...it just worked. I was even able to donate almost 1,000 ounces to the Mother's Milk Bank and nursed Trent for 14 months. I am very proud of our success. Now I wonder if it will go as well with Baby Gurl. I want to nurse her for at least 18 months, and I hope we can make it. I've actually starting doing some BF research just in case we have problems.

3 - A 'hard' baby. Trent was an extremely easy baby. He hardly ever cried, we got him into a great routine, slept great, was just relaxed. Of course we ALL know he isn't an easy toddler (but he sure is cute)! Someone asked Brent if he wished Trent had been a harder baby if it meant him being an easier toddler. Brent said no because given #1 above, I needed an easy baby. Bless him because he's right! My sister and I joke {but I believe it} that God gives you the baby you can handle. You don't go crazy and get the hard baby! So does that mean this time I'll get a hard one?!?! I hope not!

4 - Delivery. I was very cavalier about my delivery with Trent. I did no research about what to expect and just went into it saying all I wanted was a healthy baby. While I agree this time with my sentiment, I also think not being prepared was pretty irresponsible of myself. So this time? Way more prepared (part of why I switched OBs) but also now way more aware of what could happen. I'm trying to be positive that knowledge = power...I guess time will tell.

At the end of the prenatal yoga class I tried on Saturday, the instructor told us to think of an intent for the rest of the day (we also did an intent for the class at the beginning), the rest of the weekend, the rest of the pregnancy. What instantly popped into my head was 'Calm. Harmony.' I want our home to be a place of calm (and it's my fault usually when it isn't). I want our family to be in harmony (and it's my fault usually when it isn't). I feel like the last few days when I have started to get worked up because Trent is having a fit or Brent is being a man, just thinking 'Calm. Harmony.' has helped me gain my balance back. 

I'm thinking those 2 words are going to take me a long way the next 7 weeks!

Who Knew 'Independent Play' Was a 4-Letter Word?

One of my issues when I had post-partum anxiety after Trent was born, was that I felt like I wasn't doing enough for him. It sounds crazy now and was crazy then, but it's what was going through my brain. He was 2 weeks old, snoozing/eating/pooping/occasionally awake, and I was worried I wasn't keeping him entertained or showing him enough affection.

I sometimes still have those moments where I worry I'm not doing enough.  Trent is finally really seeming to enjoy independent play. Not for hours on end but for 20-30 minutes, he is content to drive his trucks or trains around the house or look at books or 'cook' (you should try his birthday soup, it's divine)...you get the picture. It's so nice because I can SEE that he's having fun, and I can fold a load of laundry, make dinner (haha...like that happens in our house), or prep for the next day.

But those old doubts creep back in. That if I'm not giving him 100% of my attention all the time, I'm not doing enough. I know it's not rational, and luckily, I'm not in the throes of post-partum again, so it's easy to knock those doubts out quickly and enjoy the freedom to just get sh*t done. I just wish I could get those doubts to go away. I guess at the end of the day Mommy Guilt is always there about something.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Naked train time.  Who wouldn't be happy?

An Open Letter to SIDS

Dear SIDS,

I have been a Nazi about following all the rules to prevent you. You are part of the reason I had to be medicated after Trent's birth. He has NEVER slept on his stomach, NEVER been around smoke, NEVER had blankets in his crib, ALWAYS had his room between 68 and 72 degrees, etc. So now that he is rolling over and doing the below...please stay away.

Thanks!

Poor Waiter

Now that I'm feeling SO much better, I decided there were a few people who needed a big 'thank you' from me. My mom, FMIL*, sister, Kristen and Dena all took such amazing care of me while in the thick of my postpartum anxiety. Each of them went above and beyond to help me through this tough time. I don't think I could ever thank them enough, and I could spend hours listing all the things they did for me.

*FMIL = my Fabulous Mother-in-Law Janet

Mom, thank you for taking care of me (and making me take care of myself). Thank you for cleaning my messy pantry (and not judging me for being messy). Thank you for helping me make my first steps out into the world again.

Janet, thank you for coming over almost every day for weeks and helping me look forward to each day again. Thank you for holding me when I cried and doing everything you could to keep me from crying.

Patty, thank you for giving me the courage to take medication. Thank you for giving me endless advice and not caring when I asked the same question many, many times. Thank you for forcing me to drink and try to take naps!

Kristen, thank you for holding Trent for hours. You knew I didn't want him to be put down but couldn't hold him endlessly myself. {grin} Thank you for listening to me endlessly - especially when you are going through your husband's 2nd Tour of Duty and have PLENTY to be worry about yourself.

Dena, thank you for coming over every Thursday to visit, helping me with the Moby, giving me so much of your stuff, and not caring (too) much that I missed your birthday party. Thank you for encouraging me to call Dr. Maynard and listening to me repeat EVERYTHING he told me in my sessions.

Thanks to ALL OF YOU for loving me and my son!!!

Now...to the point of this post...ha! I took these girls to dinner tonight to begin to say thank you, and we had a lovely time at Z Tejas. But I felt sorry for our waiter. Each time he came to our table, we were discussing the most inappropriate topics. He heard the following phrases at least once:

• Episiotomy
• Vaginal rejuvenation
• 'Get the juices flowing'
• What contractions feel like
• 'Mama, I'm pooping!'
• Fallen bladder
• Boob jobs
• Phases of labor
• Raunchy romance novels

This is not a comprehensive list, but are you jealous you weren't at dinner with us?!?!